Your Sexuality Is Not an Experiment
A musician in his mid-twenties opens up onstage about his sexuality. “I’m just figuring it out like everyone,” he says, hoping it ends the speculation. It’s “a beautifully complex thing.”
Meanwhile, a woman in her thirties feels the same way—slow to put a label on what she’s still trying to wrap her heart and mind around. She grew up in church and isn’t sure what to feel now that she’s romantically involved with her female roommate. She’s not sure that she’s gay or queer or a lesbian. She’s not sure she wants anyone to know.
Another friend tells me the preteen girls she’s been spending time with speak confidently about what their first relationships will look like. On the way to youth group or driving home from vacation Bible school, they talk about how everyone dates different people in middle school and high school. “Boys. Girls. It doesn’t really matter who you like,” they say from the backseat.
Society is constantly filling in the blank, finding new ways to describe sexuality:
“Your sexuality is whatever you want it to be.”
“Your sexuality is not up for debate. It’s not open for discussion.”
“It’s more than a phase.”
“It’s fluid.”
“It’s valid.”
Modern relationship experts say that trying on sexual identities is part of being a young adult, that to find your “most authentic self” you need to embrace sex and dating as your playground of self-expression. That’s how you discover who you are, they say.
For single women, especially, the message is often loud: “Experiment. Explore. Discover who you are by following your feelings. Keep an eye on chemistry, and if there’s connection or curiosity, consider what it means about you.”
But does feeling something deeply make it true? The reality is your sexuality was never intended to be an experiment. It’s not meant to be self-defined, worked out in the ever-changing lab of your emotions. And if desire alone isn’t reliable soil in which to root the way you live . . . what is?
More Than a Feeling
If you’re single, you may have noticed that society’s advice to you is to keep an open mind and an open door, especially if you’re in your twenties and thirties. To neglect the opportunity to explore is to be inauthentic, out of touch with who you really are.
The problem is that if desire alone determines identity, then “truth” will always shift. You’ll never stop reassessing and rediscovering yourself; you’ll never stop wondering if you’ve finally landed in the right place. The process isn’t freeing—it’s exhausting. Because when desire leads, you’ll always be chasing something out of reach.
This isn’t just happening outside the church. It happens in more subtle ways within the walls of Christian community as well, even among those who aren’t questioning their sexual orientation. For example, you may be tempted to equate emotional pull with spiritual confirmation, interpreting connection with someone as a sign from God. But when the relationship doesn’t lead where you want, your sense of clarity collapses.
Scripture doesn’t dismiss desire, but it doesn’t treat it like a compass either. It knows that our feelings not only change, they lead you places you didn’t expect to go. That’s why Scripture offers a different invitation. Instead of pointing you inward, into a loop of self-experimentation, it points you toward something—someone—unchanging.
The Bible doesn’t ignore how you feel, but it doesn’t idolize it either. It roots your sexuality in truth, not trend. Scripture doesn’t lead you to make life decisions based on what you feel deeply in a given moment but in God’s beautiful and purposeful design, which He’s made known in His Word—through His Son and His Spirit—and made possible for you to embrace.
Christians often remain quiet when sexuality comes up, knowing the topic is a lightning rod in today’s world. But God hasn’t stayed silent on this topic. His Word offers a way to understand your body, your longings, and your relationships through a lens of restoration, beauty, and hope.
Through Scripture, God has spokenclearly, lovingly, and consistently about what sexuality is—and what it isn’t. Let’s start there.
1. Your sexuality isn’t who you are.
It never has been. In today’s world, one of the most revealing indicators of where a person finds their identity is how they describe themselves in a bio. Skim social media, and you’ll find “I am ____” statements that end with sexual orientation or relationship status, as if those details define your worth or are the primary information about you. You’re not the sum of your desires, attractions, or dating history. If you were introducing yourself, how would you fill in the blank: “I am ____”?
Your truest identity isn’t self-constructed but God-given. Even those who deny Him were made in His image (Gen. 1:27), knit together remarkably and wondrously (Psalm 139:13–14). If you’re in Christ, you’re a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). You are forgiven (Eph. 1:7), righteous (2 Cor. 5:21), chosen (Eph. 1:4). If you are single today, you follow in the footsteps of a Savior who also was during his earthly life, but whose identity wasn’t defined by physical or cultural traits. He is the Son of God; His identity flows from His relationship with His Father. Yours does as well.
2. Your sexuality isn’t inconsequential.
No matter how you treat it, sexuality is never casual. Those who encourage treating your sexuality as an experiment act as though the outcome can’t be predicted. But there’s nothing new; sin follows the same patterns, whether in big, visible decisions or the subtle, private compromises of the heart. The way you use your body is never purely physical; it’s personal and profoundly spiritual.
Romans 1:24 warns what happens when desires go unchecked, and when God delivers people over to the things they chase, to “the desires of their hearts to sexual impurity.” Instead of finding clarity, they spiral into deeper confusion. What feels like freedom in the moment leads to brokenness and bondage later (1 Cor. 6:18–20; Prov. 5:21–22).
3. Your sexuality isn’t sovereign.
Feelings, while helpful, don’t determine your path. They were never meant to rule you. When sexuality begins calling the shots, it shapes your choices, your relationships, and begins to steer the direction of your life. It becomes a functional god, one that demands more and gives less over time.
Who or what is ruling you? Romans 6 says, “Do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires,” but instead, as those who are alive in Jesus, “offer yourselves to God” (Rom. 6:12–14). He loves you, He knows what’s best for you, and the path He leads you down may not be easy, but it’s filled with His peace (Psalm 23:4).
4. Your sexuality isn’t a secret to hide.
God created your body, your desires, and your sexuality—and He called it good (Gen. 1:27, 31). It wasn’t something He intended you to repress, but something to steward with care and reverence. No one except Jesus has done that perfectly. We’ve all failed to honor God faithfully; none has remained pure before Him. But because of Christ, you’re not disqualified by your past or what you’re struggling with in the present. You can bring all of it into the light without shame or condemnation, knowing you’re not defined by what you’ve done, but by what He’s done for you (1 Cor. 6:11).
5. Your sexuality isn’t too far gone.
Maybe you’ve made choices you can’t undo. Maybe you’ve crossed lines you can’t uncross and given parts of yourself away that you can’t get back. There may be relationships or regrets that still weigh heavy, that whisper, “It’s too late for you.”
In Christ, even irreversible choices don’t have the final word. He does. And the word He speaks over you is mercy, not condemnation (Rom. 8:1), and a future filled with hope (Psalm 103:10–12).
What Then Is Biblical Sexuality?
If someone asked you to fill in the blank: “Biblical sexuality is ____,” what would you say? What words would you use to describe it—not just when sharing with someone else, but when you need to reorient your own heart to what’s true?
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Biblical sexuality is meaningful.
God didn’t treat it as an afterthought or an accident—He didn’t stumble into sexuality. From the very beginning, He wrote it into the human story with meaning, intention, and mystery (Gen. 1:27–28).
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Biblical sexuality is covenantal.
It’s not for testing or trying out, but for expressing within the safety and permanence of covenant marriage between one man and one woman. It mirrors the faithfulness of Christ to His people, a love that seeks to give instead of take, serve instead of seek, and one that is shaped by faithfulness more than feeling (Eph. 5:25; 1 Cor. 13:7–8).
This doesn’t exclude those of us who are single. It does not mean our sexuality is on pause or incomplete. Jesus, fully human and fully pure, shows us that sexuality can be faithfully lived without being sexually active or lusting in our heart and mind. In Him, we’re whole, and our desires aren’t wasted when surrendered to Him (1 Cor. 7:25–28).
Will You Be Rooted in Truth or Blown Away by Cultural Winds?
When I think of friends who held views of biblical sexuality for decades only to embrace a new, self-defined version of it, I’m reminded how easy it is to drift from the truth of God’s design. It rarely happens overnight—it’s one decision, one scroll, one step at a time.
It reminds me of the two groups of people presented in Psalm 1: those who delight in the Lord’s instruction are like a tree planted (vv. 2–3). But those who aren’t rooted in the truth of God’s Word “are like chaff that the wind blows away” (v. 4), swept away by the most convincing take or their strongest emotion.
Those of us seeking to live out biblical sexuality in ways that honor God can learn from this passage. Notice the progression in the first verse:
How happy is the one who does not
walk in the advice of the wicked
or stand in the pathway with sinners
or sit in the company of mockers!
Practically, what could this look like in our lives when it comes to this topic? To “walk in the advice of the wicked” may look like reading books, streaming shows, or listening to music that normalizes sexual fluidity or promiscuity. It may look like subtly allowing your views to be shaped by others’ advice and options rather than what’s true in Scripture.
To “stand in the pathway with sinners” may look like a slow slide from influence to agreement. It could mean normalizing or excusing casual dating or hookup culture. It may look like remaining silent or ambivalent toward those who openly reject biblical sexuality, rather than gently pointing unbelievers toward grace or believers back to truth.
To “sit in the company of mockers” looks like treating biblical sexual ethics as outdated, mocking those who hold to the truth of Scripture, or dismissing God’s design as restrictive instead of redemptive.
But Psalm 1 reminds us: those who plant themselves in truth flourish. They’re not swayed by every feeling, trend, or opinion. And they don’t merely resist cultural drift—they bear fruit, endure hardship, and remain rooted in joy.
Your identity, including your sexuality, was never meant to be an experiment. It’s not something to test and tweak in search of meaning but a gift to receive and steward with His purpose and peace. Because at the end of all the trial and error, all the cultural hypotheses and ideals, only one conclusion holds: God’s design is still good. His Word is still true. And when your life is rooted in Him, your sexuality will flourish.
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