Grace, Boundaries, and Safety: Christian Perspectives on Leaving an Abusive Relationship - The DV Walking Wounded:
Cross At Sunset With Sunlight And Orange Clouds
Domestic violence is a deeply painful issue that affects individuals, families, and communities. For those who identify as Christians, the question of how to navigate an abusive relationship in light of faith can be particularly challenging. There is often confusion around concepts like grace, forgiveness, and the biblical call to love one another, particularly when abuse is involved.
In this post, we will explore what it means to balance grace, establish healthy boundaries, and prioritize safety when considering leaving an abusive relationship, all while reflecting on the wisdom and guidance found in Scripture.
Grace Does Not Mean Enduring Abuse
Grace is central to the Christian faith; it’s the unmerited favor of God that saves us and empowers us to live differently. However, grace does not mean tolerating harmful behavior. Jesus Himself demonstrated that grace, love, and justice are not mutually exclusive.
In Matthew 23:23, Jesus calls out the religious leaders for neglecting justice and mercy while focusing on trivial matters. This teaches us that loving our neighbor, including in relationships, involves justice—standing up for what is right, protecting the vulnerable, and holding each other accountable.
The idea that a Christian spouse or partner must endure abuse in silence or stay in an unsafe relationship because of grace is a misconception. Grace is about offering forgiveness and compassion, but it is not about enabling harmful behavior or sacrificing one’s safety. Grace can coexist with action, and sometimes that action is choosing to leave for your safety and well-being.
Boundaries Are Not Unbiblical
Boundaries are healthy and necessary for any relationship. They are not a rejection of love or forgiveness but rather a way to protect yourself and maintain your dignity as a child of God. Even Jesus Himself set boundaries with others, such as when He withdrew to pray or when He refused to engage with certain people who did not have the right motives (Matthew 15:21–28).
In relationships, boundaries can look like:
- Physical boundaries: Choosing to remove yourself from a dangerous or harmful environment.
- Emotional boundaries: Setting limits on how much manipulation, verbal abuse, or control you will accept.
- Spiritual boundaries: Recognizing that your well-being, both physical and spiritual, matters to God.
Jesus encourages us to love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). Loving yourself means acknowledging your worth and taking steps to protect your body, heart, and mind from harm. Setting boundaries is part of this self-love, and it is not unbiblical to say, “I will no longer allow myself to be hurt.”
Safety Is a Priority: God Wants You to Be Safe
Scripture makes it clear that God cares deeply about justice and the protection of the vulnerable. Psalm 82:3 says, “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.” Abuse in any form—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—violates these principles. God’s heart is for justice, and He desires for His children to live in peace, not fear.
In Matthew 10:14, Jesus instructs His disciples to shake the dust off their feet when rejected or persecuted in a town. This is not a command to be passive in the face of injustice, but rather a recognition that sometimes leaving a harmful situation is the best response.
When dealing with domestic violence, safety should always be the priority. This may mean physically leaving the relationship or seeking shelter and protection away from the aggressor. If you are in immediate danger, it’s crucial to find a safe place to go and reach out to trusted family, friends, or domestic violence organizations. The Bible supports the idea of protecting oneself, as seen in stories like that of David fleeing from King Saul (1 Samuel 19:11–18) and Ruth’s strategic actions to ensure her safety and future (Ruth 3:1–6).
Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Understanding Their Limits
Forgiveness is a core value in Christianity, but it’s important to distinguish between personal forgiveness and reconciliation. In Matthew 18:21–22, Jesus tells Peter to forgive “seventy-seven times,” emphasizing the importance of forgiveness in our hearts. However, forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating or accepting abuse, nor does it imply staying in a harmful relationship.
Reconciliation requires both parties to be committed to the process of healing, repentance, and change. If the abusive partner is unwilling to seek help, take responsibility for their actions, or work toward healing, reconciliation may not be possible at that time…or ever…
Forgiveness is about releasing bitterness and seeking peace in your heart, but it does not obligate you to remain in a situation that threatens your safety or well-being. Forgiving the Abuser can be possible without going back to them. Just because you’ve forgiven, does not mean that you have forgotten or plan on repeating the process.
Trusting God Through the Process
Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. It’s filled with fear, uncertainty, and emotional turmoil. But God promises to be with us through every trial. Isaiah 41:10 encourages us: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God is with you in the process of healing, and He will provide the strength and wisdom you need.
On that note, praying is always advisable because the devil also has his hand in this. God gave us this incredible ability to act and follow through, for our own good, to make things happen, such as filing an emergency protective order, finding safety, going “no contact,” etc. Follow-through and steadfastness, is a function of the brain the Lord gave us, knowing that we should not currently trust our tender hearts.
Taking steps toward safety, healing, and restoration might seem daunting, but remember that you are not alone. God will help you find your way out of the darkness and into His light, whether that journey involves leaving an abusive relationship or finding new ways to rebuild your life.
Choosing to Live in Freedom
Christianity calls us to love others, but this does not mean sacrificing ourselves in the process. Grace, boundaries, and safety are not in conflict with the Gospel but are essential aspects of honoring God’s image in us. By protecting yourself, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking safety, you are living out the dignity God has given you.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, remember that it is never your fault, and help is available. Take the steps needed to find safety, and know that God’s heart is for you—He desires peace, healing, and restoration for your life.
If you are struggling to navigate this situation, consider seeking counsel from trusted Christian leaders, therapists, or domestic violence organizations that can help guide you through the process. God’s love and grace extend to all, and He will never leave you in your time of need.
Love and light! <3
